For the restless spirit!

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. C. S. Lewis My favorite quote these days - as the eternal dreamer in me fluffs out her wings, after a rather long wet spell, readying herself for yet another new flight into the unknown - not knowing where it will lead her, but ready to enjoy the soaring heights, the journey and confident that it will lead towards a happier, brighter place, towards new goals.... I have realized that most of the times that we get upset, disappointed, hurt - it's because we expect things to go a particular way, relationships to continue in a particular fashion...we have decided how it's supposed to be, and when it falls short of our expectations, we wail, we wince, we recoil.  Then our defense mechanisms step in and we try and sound wiser - maybe it wasn't meant to be...maybe it's best for all concerned....we take refuge in borrowed wisdom, in wine or even in portraying ourselves as martyrs ....  I think it...

“You make yourself strong because it's expected of you. You become confident because someone beside you is unsure. You turn into the person others need you to be.” Today I feel like this ...... like I am actually becoming the person others expect me to me .... strong, mature, understanding, positive, brave...... all good stuff .... but guess what? I hate it! I hate it, for now. I am tired of listening to people, well-wishers all I am sure, tell me how well I am doing and how much mental strength I am showing. Truly tired.  Today, all I want to do is scream, shout out loud till my lungs hurt, cry so much that my tears run dry, kick something so hard that my foot hurts....... I want to vent, to grieve, to mourn, to crumble and fall. I want someone to hold me and say it's going to be ok. And I know it will, yet I am looking for this reassurance, today. I wonder why?  I guess I am a bit tired.... but surely it's ok to feel this way?  I am restless again, ...

Jan 4, 2014 : My mom passed away. Aug 8, 2014 : My dad passed away. May they rest in eternal peace. At the age I am in, losing a parent is only to be expected, something one must be prepared for - it's life's natural process. The Circle of Life. Yet, when it happens, we feel a void....irrespective of how old we are or how distant. And that void stays.... When you lose both in such a short span as I did recently, it leaves a kind of numbness.... that refuses to go away. Suddenly, a lot of things seemed to have changed for me, as I landed in my hometown to perform the final rites for my dad earlier this week. "Home" didn't quite feel like "home - and it was very disconcerting. I fought back tears as I stood in the immigration queues for my phone would no longer ring - as it always did - to ensure I had landed safely. I was mentally prepared for my father's demise, as compared to that of my mom's - but yet, the emptiness did not seem more toler...

I came here - looking for peace...  Maybe I was trying to run away ... From unpleasantness .... hate .... hurt.....pain.... for just a while.  An escape - to breathe fresh air, to clear my mind and bring some peace - however transient.  But it worked. As I looked up in wonder at the clear blue skies, the green foliage all around and the  tufts of sheer white clouds, as the air got cooler, as the car winded it's way to higher altitudes, something inside me started lifting too.  For the last few days, I have walked these narrow paths through sweet smelling cedar forests, with only butterflies for company and the humming sound of the mating cicadas.  Each trek threw open a new sight, a new flora or a new challenge that I managed to overcome - I have gasped, I have been breathless, my knees have hurt, my legs have got weary .....but each time, my soul lifted higher and higher....to soar above ... refusing to be weighed down by my woes... I felt I was living in ...