As I learn to draw ....again .....

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
C. S. Lewis
My favorite quote these days - as the eternal dreamer in me fluffs out her wings, after a rather long wet spell, readying herself for yet another new flight into the unknown - not knowing where it will lead her, but ready to enjoy the soaring heights, the journey and confident that it will lead towards a happier, brighter place, towards new goals....
I have realized that most of the times that we get upset, disappointed, hurt - it's because we expect things to go a particular way, relationships to continue in a particular fashion...we have decided how it's supposed to be, and when it falls short of our expectations, we wail, we wince, we recoil. 
Then our defense mechanisms step in and we try and sound wiser - maybe it wasn't meant to be...maybe it's best for all concerned....we take refuge in borrowed wisdom, in wine or even in portraying ourselves as martyrs .... 
I think it's essentially a matter of time when we go through a roller coaster of such emotions after life changing events - our highs and lows - and I believe it's important to ride this train. And I have,too! 
But I have hopped out of the train at the last station. 
I think I am now ready to fly .... to set new goals, to travel to new lands, to meet new people, to experience new pains and joys. To start all over again. 
For the last few weeks, all things new have started enticing me - most things associated with the past seem to be losing their shine and sparkle.
I am starting to look at the new with starry eyes - I want to move close, to form new bonds, to explore, to associate. I am seeking to move to another plane. I am breaking free of the images in my head of how it was supposed to end; I know Life will never go back to the way it was till recently - and I guess that's ok, it doesn't have to - the images in my head are beginning to change, I am changing them.... not with regrets of what could have been, but with new dreams, new possibilities. The unknown still scares me....but also attracts.... and I move towards it, gradually but surely. That is my next phase - for better or worse. 
Yet, a tiny voice in me cautions - don't let go of everything from your past. Hold on to those connects that still define you... and I do. I will. Some of my most precious "connects" will always remain and grow stronger - they help me stand taller.
But I understand it's all about finding the right balance, I guess, between what you should hold on to and what you should let go. 


All that is new and attractive could be a mirage and yet, clinging on to what is no more will only pull me into a spiral downwards, a place I don't want to be. So, as I move forward and redo the images that have been built in my mind, over many years, I seek this balance - between the old and the new, between my past and what lies ahead. 
I think therein lies my peace, for now.
Be with me, my Lord. Help me draw, again.









Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Those lazy, hazy days of summer

Image
Today marks the end of my summer of 2024. Not because it's any special day in the calendar but simply because I have marked it so. ( These days, I mostly do as I please! )  Today I do nothing but simply look back.... I am not a fan of summers normally - especially given that I have been based in a sandpit for the last 20 odd years. Like most of us expats who live here in the Middle East, I have always found summers a good time to escape - either travel  back to India or to visit other countries that have, or used to have, cooler temperatures.  This year, I stayed put, mostly :) And it was different.  Yes, it was very hot and one had to stay indoors almost all the time but there was a sense of quiet and peace in and around Dubai that I quite enjoyed. Over the last 2 months, almost every expat had left the country, there were less cars, less traffic, less noise, empty malls and restaurants and generally a sense of slowing down every where. Even less socializing! So one...
Read more

About drawing lines

Image
As the years pass by, I realize, more and more, the importance of drawing lines. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The world is divisive enough on its own - some may say do we really need more boundaries between us?  The answer to this question could be debated. Yet, I have always been a fan of personal spaces - a concept alien to most Asians, definitely Indians! For me, it's linked to giving another human being the respect he/she deserves and ensuring that I have the same - the space to breathe free, to think without any pressures, to decide on my own. I tend to feel claustrophobic and uncomfortable, otherwise.  However, growing up - especially in my twenties and thirties, I did prioritize on "belonging" - to many groups and communities, for both personal and professional reasons. My circles grew so large that by the time I was in my mid forties, I again felt the need to set some controls once again - ...
Read more

I hope you are doing fine, Ma!

Image
Ma, It's been a while since I have heard from you .... You have gone too far, I guess. Life has taken over, generally, pulling me along with its usual ups and downs. Truth be said, I am not really sad - you lived a full life and I have let go... But I still think of you a lot, almost every day. I think of you and your opinions on all that is going on in my life - and I know a lot of those opinions may have even been disapproving....yet, I miss them - sorely. I wonder how you are doing....  How is this place you have gone too?  Is it as peaceful as they say it should be.... have you found "eternal peace'? Have you met those who had left before you? Has there been some kind of a happy reunion of sorts up there? Knowing you, are you settling scores? Are you ruffling feathers there as you often did here? Do you miss me? Do you miss my daughter? Can you see us? Do you sometimes feel like coming back just to say one more thing, hug us one more time? Or even repr...
Read more