Process your dark thoughts ...
I enrolled myself in a writing course last year - the reason being the course was called "Writing to uncover your authentic self" - too intriguing to let go and I enjoyed writing anyways. It's been a lovely experience so far and I have indeed discovered / rediscovered a lot about myself during the introspection the course encourages.
One recent prompt the course provided was about processing our own emotions / feelings - both good and bad.
The instructions were to think back to as far as we can and then write an essay about how we have been dealing with our emotions over the years. So I reflected...
And I quickly realized that typical Indian households - atleast at the time I was growing up - didn't really acknowledge, deal or even discuss much about the kids' emotions. I am sure there were far too many other things going on that demanded priority. Kids, when happy, were maybe given a hug, a special meal or a pat on the back. When sad or scared or angry, most were left to figure out how to deal with those dark emotions - many a time, these feelings were triggered by the school's or parental actions. Most of us were asked to go into our rooms and "think about it" if not punished. Some took to journaling, some took to bottling it all up. I was surprised to realize that no one had actually spoken to me about how I should deal with my feelings - especially the difficult bad ones - and I ended up, like all others, devising my own coping methods, as I grew up.
Gradually, the intensity of emotions and feelings were heightened - yet my processing methods remained the same. I had learnt from my childhood experience that it was fine to share happy feelings, but the darker ones were meant to be dealt on one's own. As I stand today, despite all my maturity and knowledge about mental wellness, I realized I still do the same - happy to share my happiness, but simply unable to share my sorrows with others.
I looked to my daughter - had I corrected this matter when she was growing up? Whilst I did encourage her to always talk to me about what she had on her mind, on those occasions as a child, when I admonished her (and they were sadly often enough!) I am not sure that I had sat her down and helped her process her feelings of anger / disappointment/sadness. Thankfully, as she grew older and as I realized the criticality of mental wellness and it's link to processing emotions, I have consciously attempted to find the right time to talk to her about her feelings, more importantly to listen to her with an open mind and ultimately to share options that might make the processing less painful.
Bottom-line : I don't think we have ever been taught to process our negative emotions in a healthy manner.
I wonder why this is not treated with much more importance in our childhood - I firmly believe junior school should have formal classes on how to deal with emotions , why is processing them so important. Parents and caregivers should be encouraged to understand the fallouts of not doing this, if they haven't learnt as yet.
Today, we as parents are quick to complain about our kids' attitudes and coping methods that do not meet our approval - next there is breakdown of communication and therapy or worse. Why do we not realize the need to address the root of the problem and teach them, show them, encourage them to process those dark thoughts and then let go of them for your own wellbeing?
I am very happy with the way sex education has been introduced in junior schools and the ways in which modern parents are handling uncomfortable yet pertinent questions from their kids whose exposure is unfortunately, endless. I strongly believe the same should be done for helping kids process their emotions, especially the darker ones. Parents, teachers, caregivers all need to be far more sensitive to matter than ever before.
As I have learnt through my own experience, I cannot emphasize this enough - learning to deal with one's darker emotions appropriately isn't easy and yet has to be done to prevent it from affecting our wellness, our sanity and our relationships.
If you know peers, friends, colleagues, family members who still struggle with this - hold their hand, listen to them, create a safe space for them to vent/rant and purge. If you feel unsure, atleast encourage them to seek professional help rather than bottling it all up and scarring themselves repeatedly.
Very well written Sharmistha. Yes, processing our lone dark thoughts is indeed very important. Sometimes it gets very late by the time one realises that this should have been done. It is important to talk to our children and also encourage them to find friends with whom they can talk and share their feelings. The fact that in our childhood days no one actually bothered about how a child was feeling completely resonates with my experiences. While we had loving adults all around, the consciousness to sit down and try to talk about difficult matters with children was not there. And with passing time this has become all the more important.
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