Do people change ? Or can they never ?

Change has always been a keyword in my life. I acknowledge that it is the only constant. Many a time, I have been a frontrunner in bringing about this change - personally and professionally. 

Yet, one question has always been at the back of my mind as I worked through Change and People over the years. 


Can a person truly change - intrinsically? at the very core? 

I am not sure I have an answer, even today! 


A large part of my adult and professional life has been dedicated towards helping people develop and grow - through overcoming weaknesses or acquiring appropriate new skills and learned behaviors. The foundation of these endeavors was that people want to and can change and get better, if rightly motivated; even "areas of development" could be worked on, if there was enough intention and resolve. All they needed were the right opportunities, the right support and the right reasons. 

Some changes were naturally easier than others, but I believed that if the resolve was strong enough, even the harder, deeper, more core behaviors could change - over time and with constant reinforcement. 

Then, a couple of years ago, I started dealing more and more with people struggling with change - young and old alike - who knew they had to, but were actually finding it very difficult to navigate. As I started holding their hands and being supportive of their rather challenging paths, I began to realize that sometimes, sustaining a changed, supposed improved behavior is not easy, especially for us older people. I realized that as one grows, there is a strong tendency to slip into what used to be natural and comfortable when we were younger; holding on to something just because you know it's best for you was far from  easy for most. 

It was almost like me reaching for that sweet after every meal - even today-  because that's what my father got me used to as a child - despite knowing that it is not the best for my diabetes today! 

On a more serious note, I have realized that a lot of our insecurities as kids / young adults tend to resurface as we grow older and it often leads to behaviors / life choices that are difficult to explain if you don't dig deep. I have also realized that to sustain new behaviors in the longer term, one must be in a very supportive and sensitive eco-system and without constant and proper positive reinforcements, slipping back into one's older ways can be so easy and so disruptive. 

Now, I am no psychologist or any kind of authority on how our brains work, but I have worked with all kinds of people for more than 25 years of my life and my life's journey has taught me that there possibly is no easy answer to that question - can people change? 

What I have learnt instead is that rather than focusing on whether or not people can or cannot change - especially in relationships - one needs to change one's own prisms and look within.  

  • What about changes in me? How have I reacted, over the years, to changed situations, to changing needs of my loved ones? 
  • How much of an influence do I really have over the lives, behaviors and actions of my loved ones? 
People and things perhaps change over time - and then change again - and again... or perhaps they never change at all - it really doesn't matter so much. No two journeys in this world are the same; hence much as we try, it is difficult to truly comprehend who does what, when and why.  I guess we are all try to do what we think is best for us at any given point - we may arrive at the same place but our perspectives are different. 

We were not built similar and we can never be, so. And I have learnt to be cognizant of that.

So no answer to THE question as yet  but I have found that with time and a lot gray hairs, the question itself has disappeared. And that is the key to inner peace!
 



My theory on life is that life is beautiful. Life doesn't change. You have a day, and a night, and a month, and a year. We people change - we can be miserable or we can be happy. It's what you make of your life.

Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum

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