Community : a place to belong to or a network of meaningful connects ?

We are social animals. 

That's what we have been taught and that's what we believe in.

Coming from a small family where we kind of went our own ways very soon, friends quickly became my social safety net - and so it remains. Expat life made this more relevant and the social functions of a family were almost seamlessly taken over by my amigos, over the years. Today, if I think of a happy gathering of people to celebrate anything, I first think of friends and whatever family remains, follows next. 

I am pleasantly surprised by those I see still surrounded by close family members and actually choosing to spend their happy and sad moments with them - I wonder what they did differently to be able to remain this way in a world where friends have mostly become what family used to be! 

However, that is not the point of this post - this is about our own sense of community and how growing older has impacted this feeling of belonging for me. 

Those who know me well, know that I have always been very social - I love meeting people and I love getting to know them better; I have been told that I could make.a dumb person "talk". I have always tried to be there for anyone I have ever called "friend". 

Whilst family has never been a huge source of personal strength, primarily because we were only that many and also very different from one another, friends became my "community" - my "go-to people" very early on in life. This is not to say that I was not close with some family members - I was, and till date, remain close to a few, very few! 

However, when it comes to friendship, I have been truly blessed! I have friends, nay, close friends from literally every walk of my life. I still have close friends from kindergarten, high school, college, university and every place I have ever worked in - that I could talk to about anything happening in my life. Living an expat life in Dubai for the past 20 years, I have made some amazing connections that have totally blurred the lines between friends and family, for me.

Yet, as I have grown older ( and I don't think this is uncommon either! ) I have become very,  very selective about who I let into my inner sanctum - I truly believe that is not a bad thing either. I have realized that the numbers of my friends that actually "get"me are reducing - and that does not make me sad at all. I don't judge them or get angry with them, I simply thank them for being part of my journey so far and move on. I am happy with my selected connects that continue, with myself and totally at peace with where I am. I consider myself grateful and blessed. 

Now, all the mental wellness articles I read - and boy, there are so many! - tell me that community is critical to our overall wellbeing and declines in our connectedness actually causes most of mental health issues. 



And I wonder......

Should I reconsider my choice of quality over quantity, especially at my age? 

Is being happy on your own also not conducive to inner peace, hence mental wellbeing?

If I am unable to find a "go-to" person during my lows, is that a red flag?  


I have in the recent past, being spurred on by the articles that encourage new connections, made attempts to do so; I will admit I am not very persistent with these efforts but from what I have seen, there are not too many like me - atleast where I was looking! I did, in the course, make some new connects that seem interesting and I persevere but overall, I find the effort it all takes vis-a-vis the rate of success isn't reasonable or balanced! 

I would much rather read a book or binge on Netflix! 


Brings me back to base : what is community? 

  • Is community the feeling of being surrounded by humans, the safety of just being a part of something bigger, irrespective of the quality of engagement within them? 
  • Or is community the feeling of having a handful of souls who just look at you, when they can and "get" your vibes? People you can sit and talk with, for hours? Or sit beside them, staring at the sunset and yet be completely connected ?
  • Is community being a part of a diverse group where your ideas and life notions are constantly challenged? 
  • Or is community finding like minded souls - even if few and far in between? Where you don't feel like an alien? 

You can obviously see which side my thinking leans - but I honestly don't know what is best, even for me.  

Maybe community is something very personal and my sense of connectedness may not be yours at all and that's alright. 


So yes, I am a social animal but not "Desperately Seeking Susan".  I do believe in the power of connectedness and will continue to look for it - through old and new relationships - but at my own pace and terms. I will strive to seek minds that align - for comfort and belonging - as well as minds that challenge - for growth and development. I will continue to look for opportunities to give back - from where I have been fortunate to receive much. Even if it means creating a new tribe! 


"Sometimes you gotta create what you want to be a part of." - Geri Weitzman


And in between, perhaps I will keep taking those free online Alzheimer's tests - just in case :)




Comments

  1. Subhra11 October 2023 at 09:34

    I feel the same...ditto. But you express so very well. For me too, my very small inner circle comprises friends mainly and just a few family members. It is intriguing how our ties with strangers whom we meet along the way become stronger than our ties with our blood relatives. It is beautiful too.

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