Marriage ......
I have hesitated many times, before I could bring myself to blog about this ..... not sure I qualified to comment on something so close to home; not sure my perspective was not unnecessarily colored.... but as I looked around and witnessed the same things happening over and over again... I felt a suffocating need to share - if not anything, just my own views and reflections on something I have seen so closely.
It's about this institution called "marriage".
Most of my friends (including me) come from times when a marriage was meant for keeps. Unlike times earlier to us, you could still "play around" before marriage, "test waters" if you had to, take a little more time than the earlier generations, have a lot more freedom than your parents to chose your partners.... but when you decided to tie the knot, it was kind of a lifetime commitment.
Yet, as the years passed, a lot of us started having this nagging fear that "marital bliss" as we were sold it, possibly was Utopian. Sure, there were many many happy moments, beautiful kids, wonderful vacations, a lot of pleasant shared experiences - I don't deny that - not at all. I don't think any of us who have crossed the bridge and are now looking back from the other side will deny we all had our share of good moments. Yet, somewhere the institution seemed to be shaken - at times, real hard. And it took a lot of efforts to keep it going, to keep it from falling apart. Which led me to question its very foundation.....
I know all this coming from a woman going through a personal separation may seem cynicism - and hence my initial hesitation to share - but I have sincerely tried to step back and look around long and hard before I comment on what I see, increasingly.....
I am now convinced that in general, our standard definition of "marriage" as an institution needs to drastically change, our expectations should be re-stated - because these are changed times.
I got married in 1995. It was a very different world back then. Values were different, options were different, reactions were different. And when I say "different" I don't mean "better" - I just mean very different.
Modern times have changed our lives, our perspectives, our ways of living and loving.
I am all for this change, that's the only way to evolve, I guess. And while old timers like me struggle to adjust to the new rules of the game, the next generation takes to it like a fish to water.
So the institution of "marriage" if it has to continue as the foundation of social living, must also change, must adjust, maybe be more open .....
Human beings have possibly always been promiscuous by nature - goes back to our jungle days - but as civilization hit us, social norms were put in place and more and more we began to abide by them. It made sense then. Whether it was genuine affection, bonding or mere societal prescription that kept couples together is debatable - but it worked. Barring a few stray cases. I personally believe it was a balance of both - that there were strong associations cemented by many factors, kids being the strongest of them all, financial security being another. Along with it was also an overall acceptance of "this is how it should be" - a discipline or a fear or a lack of courage to question or push that. I am sure even then men and women wanted out from time to time, I am sure they slipped too - but then they also "mended" their ways or thoughts and kept the sanctity of this institution going. When and if passion exited the relationships, security and companionship took over and the ship kept sailing. What I wonder is whether there was ever a tinge of regret......
But today, I see marriages crumbling around me like a pack of cards faced by a gush of wind. These are possibly the winds of change ...that are testing the very foundations of this hallowed institution....
And I see only those that are genuinely connected souls that are making it through - God bless them all. May their tribes increase. Cheers for keeping human hopes alive!
The rest are struggling - either they have given up or are fighting themselves to hold on, yet questioning constantly why they need to do so.
Because today marriage does not seem to be for "keeps" anymore.... our expectations have changed, societal pressures have relaxed, alternatives are far more and far more accessible. Our notions of happiness have also perhaps changed. There's a lot more "me" in our thinking - and who's to say that is wrong?
Wanting different things in life no longer is "wrong" - I completely believe it's a life choice more and more being exercised now, and that's fine. As long as we have the wisdom to think through the consequences of our life choices, to have the courage to be fully accountable for them and not blame external factors, it's ok. It's our life, and we all have the right to be happy.
So, times are different and like everything else, I am sure this institution shall also adjust gradually and either withstand or die a natural death. I am hopeful that relationships (not only marriage) will get more and more transparent and possibly mature and stronger, more meaningful - and only those who really connect will stay together. Those that are together because of lack of other options or because they are expected to be, will fall apart - whether or not they remain married.
And there are huge life lessons for all of us there - to look within ourselves and be courageous to understand what truly makes us happy? at what cost? how much can I compromise without breaking myself ? how much can I give if I am not at peace with myself ? how much can I seek outside and where my red lines are, if any ?
It's about this institution called "marriage".
Most of my friends (including me) come from times when a marriage was meant for keeps. Unlike times earlier to us, you could still "play around" before marriage, "test waters" if you had to, take a little more time than the earlier generations, have a lot more freedom than your parents to chose your partners.... but when you decided to tie the knot, it was kind of a lifetime commitment.
Yet, as the years passed, a lot of us started having this nagging fear that "marital bliss" as we were sold it, possibly was Utopian. Sure, there were many many happy moments, beautiful kids, wonderful vacations, a lot of pleasant shared experiences - I don't deny that - not at all. I don't think any of us who have crossed the bridge and are now looking back from the other side will deny we all had our share of good moments. Yet, somewhere the institution seemed to be shaken - at times, real hard. And it took a lot of efforts to keep it going, to keep it from falling apart. Which led me to question its very foundation.....
I know all this coming from a woman going through a personal separation may seem cynicism - and hence my initial hesitation to share - but I have sincerely tried to step back and look around long and hard before I comment on what I see, increasingly.....
I am now convinced that in general, our standard definition of "marriage" as an institution needs to drastically change, our expectations should be re-stated - because these are changed times.
I got married in 1995. It was a very different world back then. Values were different, options were different, reactions were different. And when I say "different" I don't mean "better" - I just mean very different.
Modern times have changed our lives, our perspectives, our ways of living and loving.
I am all for this change, that's the only way to evolve, I guess. And while old timers like me struggle to adjust to the new rules of the game, the next generation takes to it like a fish to water.
So the institution of "marriage" if it has to continue as the foundation of social living, must also change, must adjust, maybe be more open .....
Human beings have possibly always been promiscuous by nature - goes back to our jungle days - but as civilization hit us, social norms were put in place and more and more we began to abide by them. It made sense then. Whether it was genuine affection, bonding or mere societal prescription that kept couples together is debatable - but it worked. Barring a few stray cases. I personally believe it was a balance of both - that there were strong associations cemented by many factors, kids being the strongest of them all, financial security being another. Along with it was also an overall acceptance of "this is how it should be" - a discipline or a fear or a lack of courage to question or push that. I am sure even then men and women wanted out from time to time, I am sure they slipped too - but then they also "mended" their ways or thoughts and kept the sanctity of this institution going. When and if passion exited the relationships, security and companionship took over and the ship kept sailing. What I wonder is whether there was ever a tinge of regret......
But today, I see marriages crumbling around me like a pack of cards faced by a gush of wind. These are possibly the winds of change ...that are testing the very foundations of this hallowed institution....
And I see only those that are genuinely connected souls that are making it through - God bless them all. May their tribes increase. Cheers for keeping human hopes alive!
The rest are struggling - either they have given up or are fighting themselves to hold on, yet questioning constantly why they need to do so.
Because today marriage does not seem to be for "keeps" anymore.... our expectations have changed, societal pressures have relaxed, alternatives are far more and far more accessible. Our notions of happiness have also perhaps changed. There's a lot more "me" in our thinking - and who's to say that is wrong?
Wanting different things in life no longer is "wrong" - I completely believe it's a life choice more and more being exercised now, and that's fine. As long as we have the wisdom to think through the consequences of our life choices, to have the courage to be fully accountable for them and not blame external factors, it's ok. It's our life, and we all have the right to be happy.
So, times are different and like everything else, I am sure this institution shall also adjust gradually and either withstand or die a natural death. I am hopeful that relationships (not only marriage) will get more and more transparent and possibly mature and stronger, more meaningful - and only those who really connect will stay together. Those that are together because of lack of other options or because they are expected to be, will fall apart - whether or not they remain married.
And there are huge life lessons for all of us there - to look within ourselves and be courageous to understand what truly makes us happy? at what cost? how much can I compromise without breaking myself ? how much can I give if I am not at peace with myself ? how much can I seek outside and where my red lines are, if any ?
For those whose waters are troubled, here's my prayer for you:
May God give you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change - without that, you will never find peace of mind
May God give you the courage to change the things you can - without that, you will only reel in self-pity and be no good to anyone around
May God give you the wisdom to know the difference - without that, you will never be able to chose what is right for you
Amen!
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