For the restless spirit!

Forgive and forget!  That's what I was taught in convent school - since I was a little child.  This one has always perplexed me - sometimes I forgive, truly, from the heart - but somehow, I have never been able to forget.... And I am also not sure whether one should really "forget" .... yes, I agree you cannot leave a wound raw... and even if you did, Nature will heal it for you, to an extent, over time. But should you really forget what caused that wound? Why you felt that pain? If one was to forget - one would have to go through the learning curve yet again.....is that ideal? It's like if the candlelight singed my finger, I would now know that I should not play with fire again - and that should decide my future course of action when it comes to anything related to fire. If I "forgot" this experience, I would do it again and feel the pain, right?? I am all for learning and moving on..... but completely "forgetting" ....not so sure, real...

On the first day of this last month of 2014, I made a pledge to myself - and because we live in a world when nothing is official till it's on your social network - my FB status that day read: "This has been 1 helluva year for me... Phew! But I made it. As I begin the last lap, the last month of a watershed year, I have decided I will rejoice every remaining day till the year ends - be thankful for remaining blessed through rough waters, hug my connects closer, spend more time with those that really matter, do only what brings peace to my restless spirit.... Welcome December... Bring it on!" And so far, the going's been good. Touchwood. I sheepishly hope I will be allowed to end this Gregorian year on a note that does not reflect what the last 11 months have done to my world! My calendar is currently full of events, activities and people that I hold close to my heart, very close..... and I am thankful, every day, for the peace they bring. Last evening, I was...

The original World Trade Centre opened in 1973. It was suddenly destroyed in 2001. Pulled down to ashes and rubble.  Its November, 2014 - the grand tower is still being reinstated ..hopefully again in all its glory.... Waqt to lagta hi hein ( it definitely takes time )  Similarly, like that tall tower, when long standing associations/ relationships crumble...suddenly.... it takes a lot of time for the dust to settle. The muck remains around for a long time.... people don't find it comfortable to come close to the site of the fallen edifice.  There is a ripple effect on all other linked relationships, that get strained...stretched.....that don't know how to react to the fall,the severance..... now that skyline is disturbed...changed. And those around need to get used to this new horizon. Again, more adjustments are called for ... as those who care and those who don't, try to align to the new scheme of things. It is really tough not only for those in the cent...

Nowadays, as I sit in my balcony, I hear the sound of the recently introduced Dubai trams - a kind of "clang clang clang" that is so typical of trams across the world.  I love it. Just the sound of it brings back so many memories from down the many years I have traversed. While the trams are a new feather in the cap of my adopted city, I come from a city that had trams since our colonial days. That sound reverberated in many parts of that City of Joy at one time. (Today is another story, I understand) I remember the trams in front of our school, carrying willing and unwilling young students and mostly hassled parents; those that went up and down Gariahat ( an extremely popular retail locality, for the uninitiated )  transporting excited shoppers; the trams that took us so many times to quintessential College Street when we wanted to buy books or go to the University for some tedious paperwork; I recall  walking across  the tram depot around the corner a...

Gosh!!!I suddenly realize it's the middle of the second last month of the year ..... wow! Time really couldn't be bothered by anything that's happening around ... like a river, it just keeps flowing. Those who have read my earlier posts will remember how I often compare our lives to a river and how much I have wondered about our lack of control, at important junctures, over what's around the bend. The more I think of it, the more I like that analogy! Sometimes, the river is only a stream, gushing, aspirational, energetic yet not powerful enough, not really sure which way will lead it to its destination; it has never seen its destination, doesn't know what it looks like, yet hopes to be there. There lies the exuberance of young lives - God bless them - may they always dream, for they take humanity forward, they raise the bar... And then the river grows in strength,matures, has figured out which way it needs to flow; many nuances are added to it - parts bec...

I love Life. I think it's a gift, something precious, to be treasured every moment. The ups and downs of this roller-coaster ride called "Life" does not change my feelings. But of late, I am getting this feeling ..... that the world around me is looking a bit alien, a lot different to the world I grew up and lived in.....  Yes, I know... the first thought is ...it's called "Age" :)  May be it's true. May be that's the way its supposed to be.... and those who know me, will appreciate that I am pretty open in my thoughts, not judgmental, really.  Yet, at times, I look around and see a world that increasingly is moving away from the value systems I have been brought up on. It's almost like I have landed on a new planet - buzzing with Life but its manifestations are so different from what I am used to. The "right", the "good" that I have been taught so hard by my parents, throughout my convent school don't seem to...

It's common to break into a silly laughter after you've had a stupid fall, right? You are possibly hurt physically, but your ego's hurt more and you feel silly - hence you don't cry in pain, but laugh at yourself and get up, dust yourself and get going..... Life has kind of taught me that ....again and again.... There are many situations that one lands up in - where despair, hurt, disappointment, embarrassment seems rampant and you seek answers, but hey, no one's really listening!  Relationships that have a lot of care and affection, yet no way of showing the same; relationships that demonstrate a lot of care and affection but actually have none of these; many questions that you have in your mind that either have no answers or none that can be spoken of; many situations that surprise you with acts of thoughtfulness and kindness from unexpected quarters - I have learnt, more so this past year, that Life is truly unpredictable. Iska koi bharosa nahin ( there...

Death does not scare me. Never did. So, I am not scared of the time when I will be no more. Recently, I have seen death closely, too - when my mom suddenly passed away literally minutes after having reached out to me. I watched for the first time how mortal remains disappear in minutes too and all you are left with are memories - bitter and sweet.  I do not regret much in my life. That's not me.  Yes, there are a few things that I wish would have ended up differently, but I strongly believe that whatever is meant to be, will eventually happen. And as a close friend keeps reminding me - how much do we really control, anyways? Yet, and its a little more often these days, sometimes I feel .... like my time's running out...  And please note, this feeling is in no way depressing ....because it does not bring with it, any  fear or regret or sadness in any form.   The only thing I wish and pray for is time enough to see the person most precious to me, my ...

6.05 pm : I open the door to my apartment, after a long day at work..... my daughter who opens the door every day, is not at home today.  I realize soon this will be my story, every day. However I refuse to be too saddened by this thought - more important to me is my daughter's flight and I wish her to soar high, without looking back, without any strings drawing her back. But on the back of that thought is another one : will I then be alone or lonely? Lots of things rush through my mind - loads of images, perceptions, memories, dreams, experiences..... and I really wonder..... which is the better option? I am generally known to be a very social person - sometimes, close friends even believe that I draw my strength from the people around; I don't always agree - because personally, I am equally comfortable with my own company or that of select people - it depends on my mood, my frame of mind. But as I grow older, and I have noticed this for a year or so, I am seeking m...

Today I am 47..... fast approaching 50!!! Phew! As I look back at my last birthday - I see a lot has changed.... far more than I could have imagined back then....Life and I have been in the boxing ring, it seems, and I have been knocked out a couple of times....the wind has been blown out of my lungs... it's been exhausting, truly. Yet, as I stand today, I feel blessed ..... and..... loved.....still. For every fall I have had, God has given me a hand to hold, to help me up again. My spirits have sagged many a time, but have never been defeated....and each time I was weighed down by my circumstances, something or someone lifted my drooping shoulders and I have managed to smile again.... As I see my daughter stand tall and firm beside me, despite all the storms around us ..... I feel blessed ... As my "connects" reach out and embrace me, their love and warmth melts my soul and I feel blessed ...again... As I receive loving messages and calls from across the glo...

The road is long and the sun is scorching The journey yet, has to be made Places to go, milestones to reach The lonely traveler sometime faces defeat. And then suddenly it looms ahead, a tree, a bit of shade It brings a bit of spring back to the tired feet Like a mother, waiting for her tired children The tree coaxes the traveller to rest a bit, put the feet up The heavy trunk relieves the tired shoulders As the traveler rests for a while and recuperates  The branches provide a warm shelter from the blazing sun His eyes close as it would in a warm embrace. The traveler finds a few moments of solace; he lets go of himself in the warmth of that embrace. He is in peace....for a while. But after a brief slumber, he jumps to his feet He has miles to go; he remembers, his promises to keep Some kind of raw energy seems to have soaked into him  This bit of shade has prepared him for his journey again And he carries on.... with one last look at the solitary tree ...

As I enter the month I will celebrate my 47th birthday, I celebrate myself ..... Birthdays have always been special to me - mine and those of my "connects" - always a reason to celebrate Life, of simply being and being blessed in so many ways. I have never missed a chance to spoil myself on my birthday - I am usually the first to buy myself a birthday gift .... as I have done this year too :)  I am important to me and I think I am pretty proud of some parts of me.... and somehow this gives me strength more and more, propels me ahead, despite all winds that blow against me. My school of thought has always been that if you don't love or respect yourself, no one else will.It's not about arrogance or conceit, as some around me see it as; it's about understanding who you are, changing what you don't like, if you can, being proud of what remains and being comfortable in your own skin. I truly believe that!  And I think it is important for anyone who ...

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. C. S. Lewis My favorite quote these days - as the eternal dreamer in me fluffs out her wings, after a rather long wet spell, readying herself for yet another new flight into the unknown - not knowing where it will lead her, but ready to enjoy the soaring heights, the journey and confident that it will lead towards a happier, brighter place, towards new goals.... I have realized that most of the times that we get upset, disappointed, hurt - it's because we expect things to go a particular way, relationships to continue in a particular fashion...we have decided how it's supposed to be, and when it falls short of our expectations, we wail, we wince, we recoil.  Then our defense mechanisms step in and we try and sound wiser - maybe it wasn't meant to be...maybe it's best for all concerned....we take refuge in borrowed wisdom, in wine or even in portraying ourselves as martyrs ....  I think it...

“You make yourself strong because it's expected of you. You become confident because someone beside you is unsure. You turn into the person others need you to be.” Today I feel like this ...... like I am actually becoming the person others expect me to me .... strong, mature, understanding, positive, brave...... all good stuff .... but guess what? I hate it! I hate it, for now. I am tired of listening to people, well-wishers all I am sure, tell me how well I am doing and how much mental strength I am showing. Truly tired.  Today, all I want to do is scream, shout out loud till my lungs hurt, cry so much that my tears run dry, kick something so hard that my foot hurts....... I want to vent, to grieve, to mourn, to crumble and fall. I want someone to hold me and say it's going to be ok. And I know it will, yet I am looking for this reassurance, today. I wonder why?  I guess I am a bit tired.... but surely it's ok to feel this way?  I am restless again, ...